What the?  Extended version
by NewXenalander
Summary: Same as the short version, but with some extra bits  - I wasn't sure which version to run with, this has some stuff I really like but I'm a bit worried it gets too wordy.  Again, strong language warning.


**Summary:** Loretta's thought processes as she looks back over the last few years and wonders just how she got here?

**Timeline:** Series 5 finale.

**Main Characters:** Loretta, mention of pretty much everyone else.

**Rating:** M for coarse language (like the show, swearing is prevalent)

**Disclaimer:** The characters in Outrageous Fortune belong to South Pacific Pictures. I write for fun not profit, so I hope they don't mind too much :)

* * *

What the fuck's happened to me lately?

Seriously, what the fuck?

Fucking baby hormones. I thought they were just to do with breastfeeding. So all the time Mum was forcing me to do that, I was on my guard. I'd made my choice and I wasn't about to be dictated to by a bunch of chemicals. I honestly thought I'd got away with it. Someone might have mentioned that the fucking things can sneak up on you months, or even years after the fact!

A year ago, if you'd sent me to Hayden's place to deliver Jane's "blankie", I could have easily walked away. Well, ok, I would have refused point blank to go get it in the first place. But if I _had _gone, I would have left the stupid thing hung on the door handle and driven off, no worries. I could have easily ignored Jane crying. It's not like I hadn't done it before. I can remember sitting and watching TV while Pascalle paraded around the house rocking Jane and begging her to go to sleep, and feeling nothing but amusement as she got more and more desperate. Honestly, who tries to bribe a baby? She can't understand you Pascalle...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Jane. Crying. Annoying and noisy, but nothing I couldn't ignore, once upon a time.

So why couldn't I that day? Why the hell did I go inside? If I'd known what a chain reaction I was starting, and where it would eventually lead, I'd have run a mile. Well... maybe.

At the time I thought it was just because she was with Nadine. Anyone with half a brain who'd met that spinner would be concerned about leaving a child in her care. Any child. I just had to make sure Jane was safe. Hey, I'm not a total monster, I may not have wanted her anywhere near me but I wanted her to be looked after. Yes, I did try to sell her to that snobby cow and her housepet husband in Herne Bay. But firstly, they weren't my original choice, I had a nice couple picked out until that bitch social worker stuck her oar in. And secondly, they had stacks of money and they wanted a kid, she'd have had a really good life, right? Yeah ok my family didn't see it that way either so maybe that's a bad example. I did go to the rescue that day Sparky went AWOL with her though. It wasn't the magical bonding moment Mum was hoping for, but I went didn't I? At least when Jane's with Mum, Wayne or Pascalle, I know she's in good hands. Even with Van, I mean, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's not a complete idiot. Usually. Not with Jane anyway. But with Nadine? No way. Someone that obsessed with rats has to have some serious loose screws. And as it turned out, I was right to be suspicious.

As for Hayden, I knew something was up when he didn't turn up for dinner the next night. And surprise surprise, there he was, passed out on the couch. So what was I supposed to do? Walk away and leave her there? No fucking way, she was safer when Sparky had her, sure he's a mad bugger but he wasn't off his tits. Which was actually pretty unusual for Sparky...

So why didn't I tell Mum? Once upon a time I'd have gone straight home and taken great delight in watching Mum go ballistic. So why didn't I?

God, maybe Jethro and Hayden are right. Maybe I am going soft.

Shit.

Well, maybe it was because Mum was sick. Despite what I said to Jethro and Hayden (which I actually feel pretty bad about now) I didn't really want a miscarriage on my conscience. So as much fun as it would have been to watch her rip into Hayden, I couldn't say anything. But holy crap if that wasn't the top of the proverbial slippery slope. It started with one little white lie to Wayne, telling him Hayden was sick... and before I knew it I was helping to look after Jane on a pretty much daily basis. Feeding her, dressing her, changing her, taking her out... and the worst part was, I was actually starting to enjoy it. Not that I admitted that to anyone, especially when Mum found out and went all soppy on it. I've spent years building a reputation for being heartless, and I wasn't about to give that up. You show any kind of weakness around my family (or the various hangers-on) and you'll never live it down. Just look how they reacted to me dating Graeme, that was torture enough. If I'd admitted to actually enjoying spending time with Jane, they'd have had a bloody field day.

But I was.

Fucking baby hormones.

And now, fast forward a few months and here I am, back together with Hayden bloody Peters of all people, fighting my mother for shared custody of a child I never wanted to have. If you'd told me a year ago that this is where I'd end up, I'd have shot you for your own good because clearly you'd gone incurably insane and it was the merciful thing to do.

Only now it doesn't seem so insane.

We're in Hayden's car, presumably heading for the Rusty, having just come out of a completely disastrous meeting with Mum and Jethro. Hayden's fuming, I can tell just from watching the muscles in his jaw. And I'm just sitting here wondering how the hell did I get here? I mean, me and Hayden for one thing, fuck, who could have predicted that? And yet... it all comes back to him doesn't it? This whole fucking mess. I love the guy. I'd sooner bite my own tongue off than admit it out loud, but I do. I don't think I ever stopped, even when I hated him. Pathetic, isn't it? I, Loretta West, mocker of romance in all its sappy manifestations, fell in love with Hayden Poofter Peters, former apprentice hairdresser. That's got to be some sort of Karmic joke. I don't even know what it is about him that gets under my skin so much. Okay, he's not bad looking, but lets face it, he's way old, more interested in his hair than any straight man should ever be, and he's showing the beginning signs of swapping the 6 pack for the whole keg if you know what I mean. Although that's actually improved since we were together the first time, I wonder if he's been working out?

...sorry, where was I? Oh yeah... physically, there are many better specimens of manhood out there than Hayden. But... whatever it is he's got, it works for me. And he gets me. He may be a lying, double-crossing weasel half the time, but he understands me better than anyone I've ever met. Except maybe Grandpa (who I also love but obviously in a completely different way). Take my 16th, when everyone else gave me the traditional bottles of piss, Hayden bought me a book on film directing. Even though he was Pascalle's boyfriend at the time, not mine, he actually paid enough attention to know what I was interested in. Nobody's ever done that.

When Hayden and I broke up, I kind of fell apart. Looking back I guess I can blame that at least partly on hormones, but even so, I was a mess. I don't think Pascalle ever told anyone about that night I came to her room after I went to see him. Which was actually pretty decent of her. I mean, I cried my fucking guts out that night, and she could have tortured me for months with it, but she never did. Maybe that's why I didn't give her too much stick about Bruce. I mean, sure, I tried to hurry her through the break up stages, but that was only because I was going mental from lack of sleep. Also, I did feel a tiny bit responsible. Not much. Nowhere near as much as Hayden. It was him who persuaded her to be in the movie, and him who turned it into low grade, sleazy porn. But it was my movie, and my script, so yeah, I felt kinda bad about it. I don't honestly know if Bruce would have stuck around even if he'd seen my original cut. That stick up his ass really was as long as his sister said it was. You could say Pascalle is better off without him, but looking at the guys she's hooked up with since, that's debatable.

Anyway, back to me and Hayden. As if the breakup wasn't bad enough, then came the horrifying news that I was pregnant. To say I didn't take it well is kind of like saying fish are slightly fond of water. Lets face it, I was never going to be mother of the year. I really don't like babies, and if there's a maternal instincts gene, it's missing from my DNA. Pregnancy, for starters, has to be one of the most disgusting, freakish things a person can experience. I cannot believe some women are crazy enough to go through it more than once (voluntarily that is. Some, like Corina Balani, are just too stupid to figure out how not to). And don't get me started on childbirth, I don't even want to go there. But the worst part for me wasn't the humiliation of getting knocked up (Pascalle _did _rub that one in, repeatedly), or the sudden transformation of my mother into a mad health freak and banning me from eating, drinking or doing anything I enjoy. It wasn't even feeling like a parasite had invaded my body and was sucking the life out of me as it got bigger and I got fatter and clumsier. It was the constant reminder of Hayden, the fact that it was his kid swimming around in there. The breakup was too recent, and too raw, and it was too much for me to deal with. Knowing he didn't want it either just put the icing on it. A week or so after we found out I was pregnant, I overheard Jethro and Grandpa telling Mum about their trip to Brisbane. They thought I was asleep, but I'd got up to use the toilet and I heard his name, so I snuck into the bathroom to listen. I knew Hayden hated me, but I think a tiny part of me still hoped maybe he'd come back when he found about the kid. That maybe, somehow, we could work it out and I wouldn't have to go through it on my own. Hearing that he'd described me as a psycho bitch and the baby as the demon spawn of Satan hit me like a two by four. I couldn't even enjoy the mental image of Jethro and Falani beating the living shit out of him. I went back to bed, curled up, and lay there for hours, staring at nothing, feeling cold, scared, and sick. And would you believe it, that night was the first time I felt Jane move. This sort of tiny squirmy feeling, exactly like Mum described it. I think that's supposed to be one of those magical moments, but it just made me want to hurl. Looking back I guess I really did go a bit psycho for a while. I did a lot of stuff I'm not really that proud of. I had my reasons, but that doesn't make it any better.

After Mum adopted Jane, and Dad kicked me out, things actually got easier. I hooked up with Nicky for a while, got my own back on Dad, and did a fair job of forgetting about both Jane and her father. Until his interfering, godbothering sister found out he was a daddy and dragged him back here. I really thought I was over Hayden until he showed up at my office, but one look at him brought all that shit flooding back. Memories of the breakup, the pregnancy, the feeling of being trapped and terrified and alone... by sheer will I managed to hold it together until he left, and then it all hit. For a second I was sure I was going to throw up, like I did way back when he was dating Pascalle. It was like something had grabbed my insides and twisted. So much for getting over him.

Given I was persona non grata at the time, I guess I should have known better than to confront Mum about the christening thing. Knowing her, she probably agreed to it just to spite me. And I have to admit, trying to kidnap Jane was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I didn't want her, I could barely stand to look at her. All I knew was that the Christening was something _Hayden_ wanted, and after everything I'd been through, my family siding with him sent me right over the edge. That and knowing he came back, not for me, but for her. The "demon spawn" that he'd sworn wasn't his. I honestly think a knife in my guts would have hurt less. That was pretty much rock bottom for me. The point where I realised my life had gone completely down the crapper and it was all my own fault. If I hadn't done what I did to Dad, and written myself out of my own family, there's no way Hayden would have stood a chance. I'll say that for Mum, hurt one of her kids and you might as well dig your own grave. Unless that kid happens to have crossed her.

The funny thing about rock bottom though, from there the only thing you can do is start clawing your way back up. I made amends with Dad and eventually sorted things out with Mum as well. I guess I have the Greegans to thank for that. I was only brought back into the fold to fuck them over but whatever works right? And thanks to Jethro, I found myself working with Hayden. My initial reaction to that idea was "not a snowball's chance in hell". Apart from not trusting him as far as I could throw him, I still got that twisty feeling in my guts every time I saw him. In the end though, it was Hayden who talked me round. And he was right, when it comes to business, we do make a great team. It's never that simple though is it? I thought I could keep it professional, I really did. I even thought I was telling the truth when I told Nadine I didn't want him back. But I was kidding myself. I was gone that night when they were pitching Excellence to me. He surprised me with that kiss, and that was all it took for me to fall for him all over again. As hard as I tried to fight it, and believe me I tried, the feelings I had for Hayden never went away. And as it turned out, neither had his. We had a few ups and downs before we both admitted it, but we got there in the end.

And now, he wants us to be a family. And as insane as it sounds, I kind of do too. Maybe not as much as he does, I'm still not a hundred percent comfortable with the idea of being a Mum, even part time. But Hayden really loves Jane and he deserves to be part of her life. Unfortunately, there's a problem. It's about 5 foot 4, blonde, commonly known as Cheryl West, or Mum. And she's hell bent on keeping Jane to herself. It's kind of ironic, back when Jane was a baby, Mum spent all that time and energy trying to make me bond with her, and I didn't want a bar of it. Now I finally have, and MUM doesn't want a bar of it. And to be honest, I can't really blame her. I sat in that meeting with Hayden, Mum and Jethro, and for most of it, I couldn't think of anything to say. Because Mum's right, I have no right to make any demands when it comes to Jane, I gave that up when I tried to sell her to the Calhouns. Except now I can't imagine doing that. I can't even put myself into the headspace I was in back then. Now, it actually hurt having Mum take Jane away from me and drive off to swimming, like I had no place doing it. And it hurts hearing her call herself Jane's Mum. It shouldn't, but it does. And... it felt good hearing Hayden calling _me _Jane's mother. Not that long ago I would have been the one saying "bullshit" before Mum even had chance to open her mouth. But twice in as many days, Hayden has looked Mum in the eye, and adamantly insisted that I'm Jane's Mum. I don't really know if it was because it's what I want, or if it was just because it was Hayden saying it, but... it felt good.

I feel bad about it though, I know Mum's grieving for Tama, and I don't want to steal Jane away from her completely. I just want to spend time with... my daughter. Yes, alright, the baby hormones got me in the end. I love the little rugrat, ok?

Shit, I really have gone soft.

Well fuck it, so what if I have? Soft or not, there's nothing wrong with my brain. And I've got a plan. Mum may think she's out-smarted me but she should know by now that I've always got another card to play. She's denying us fair access to Jane unless we get married? Fine. I'll give her what she wants, and then Hayden will get what he wants.

And... I'll get something I want too.

Not that I'll admit it.


End file.
